Making Connections

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

—Hebrews 12:1-2

Getting started is the hardest part. Even beginning this post is difficult. But I know I have to write it.

How did I get there? How had I unraveled years of hard work—years of living a healthy lifestyle, eating right and exercising?

Ever since high school I carried a few extra pounds, but it wasn’t till I turned 40 that I decided to do something to shed the extra weight. I signed up for Weight Watchers and within eight months dropped close to 50 pounds. I felt like a new person—or more like the real me had finally emerged, finally been set free. Free to wear shorts, free to be comfortable in a bathing suit—free to be comfortable in my own skin. I vowed never to go back to that old place.

But—and there’s always a “but” in every story, right? Within ten years 20 pounds found their way back to me. As I conversed with friends, I discovered I was not alone. They too struggled with their weight. They too needed to do something. We all needed help—and we needed the support of each other. Collectively, we started a First Place 4 Health group at church in April of 2010, and I took the helm. First Place 4 Health is a nationwide Christ-centered healthy living program that addresses the four-sided person—physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental.

Soon my friends and I were connecting our stories and strengthening our friendships. But the connections didn’t end there. In our meetings, we studied the Bible and made connections between our challenges and what Scripture had to say about overcoming them. We memorized verses that reminded us of God’s promises. And we grew, just as Jesus grew (see Luke 2:52)—in wisdom (mental) and in stature (physical) and in favor with God (spiritual) and man (emotional). We learned that when we keep God in “first place,” everything else in our lives falls into its proper place (see Matthew 6:33). Somewhere along the way, the weight began to fall off. And I realized I had found the formula for living a balanced life. And I thanked God for First Place 4 Health for helping me make the connection.

But—here we go again with another “but.” After three years of leading the program, I resigned. No way could I allow my name to be connected to First Place 4 Health anymore. No way could I allow my name to be announced in church as the leader of the group. Why would anyone ever want to join a healthy-living group led by someone who was clearly not following the disciplines herself.

So what happened? How did I get off-balance?  Ironically, it had something to do with an issue we addressed regularly in our meetings—emotional eating. Within a matter of months, I suffered the break-up of a relationship and married off the last two of my three children and found myself coming home to an empty house and an open recliner. And there’s where I spent most of my evenings. There’s where I hashed out my day with chips. There’s where I sought solace in sweets. Food became my family, my lover, and my comfort.

“How could you allow that to happen?” you may ask, “Didn’t you know better?”

And the answer is yes, I knew better. But how I allowed it to happen is not entirely clear, except for the fact that I needed help, yet I was alone and  isolated from everyone. And I was expected to be a leader, expected to have it all together.

Three of my closest First Place 4 Health friends—Maryellen, Joan, and Joyce—reached out to me and prayed for me. They encouraged me to continue, for they didn’t want to give up meeting. Neither did I, really. But I refused to lead another session at church—or lead one, period. Instead, we agreed to meet at Maryellen’s home to begin a new Bible study Confident Living, and we agreed to take turns leading. But the demands of life soon took precedence, and we discontinued our study after only a few meetings.

I knew I needed accountability, so I turned back to the tried-and-true program that brought me success 14 years earlier. But to my dismay, the program had changed and I just couldn’t get into it. More than that, I missed the spiritual element of First Place 4 Health. Could I join another First Place 4 Health group? I contacted the area director and discussed with her my plight. She invited me to join her group, but its meeting location was too far of a drive for me. I explained my need for accountability and she invited me to check in with her. But I never did.

I missed my friends, especially Maryellen, who moved away to another state. While we chatted over the phone and prayed for each other, it wasn’t the same as being together—sharing healthful meals, walking the trails, and studying the Bible.

I still studied Scripture on my own, and I knew what God promised in His Word. Yet some of His promises—or should I say, some of my dreams—remained unfulfilled, some dashed. And I turned my focus inward, rather than upward, and found myself packing on the pounds and falling deeper into despair.

As the start of 2015 approached, I thought about my “word” for the New Year—one word to guide me. It became clear to me through a series of events that “light” was the word, and I wrote a post about it, delineating how “light” could guide my growth in 2015. Here’s a snippet:

Mentally

The best route to mental growth is enlightenment through reading and studying the Word. “Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path” (Psalm 119:105).

Physically

Choosing the lighter alternative when it comes to food will improve my overall health—so will lightening up.

“A cheerful heart does good like medicine” (Proverbs 17:22).

Spiritually

Light can guide my decisions in 2015, for Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12).

I choose to delight myself in the Lord (Psalm 37:4).

Socially

I can lighten another’s load, and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2). And I can let my light so shine before men, that they may see my good works and glorify my Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16).

What I soon realized is that it was a lot easier for me to write about the “word” than it was to apply the “Word.” Knowing the Word and applying it are two different things. 

Three months passed and nothing changed. If anything, things got worse. My weight ballooned to a lifetime high. Aches and pains manifested in body parts that never bothered me before. And I longed to escape from my skin.

Sick of my situation, I prayed daily for relief. From my well-worn Scripture-infused prayer list, I prayed 1 Corinthians 10:31, asking God to direct my eating. I prayed 1 Corinthians 10:13, asking Him for a way out when tempted. (And by the way, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that those two verses are in the same chapter.) I wrote in the margin “right program” and “accountability.” I kept thinking about First Place 4 Health, my version of the “right program.” I picked up Confident Living, the last Bible study book we used but never completed. Perhaps I could work through this on my own. So I completed a few pages. But—I didn’t pick it up again, perhaps distracted by the demands of my job as a teacher.

It was time to introduce a new unit in Personal Living, a class I hadn’t taught in years. Time to refresh my memory on—wellness and nutrition, I read as I flipped the page on the syllabus. Hmm…I knew the material from all those years teaching it in First Place 4 Health. But what kind of role model am I now? Can I convince high school students to eat right and exercise if I’m not doing it myself? I groaned, as I remembered why I switched careers to become a teacher in the first place—to make a difference. Would my students ever take me seriously now?

I muddled my way through to spring break. And boy, did I need a break. I was exhausted. Two days into spring break I was still exhausted and had a headache that wouldn’t respond to medicine. As I was resting in the recliner that evening, something in my breathing changed. I struggled to get a deep breath and soon became concerned for myself. I entered my symptoms online and realized I needed medical attention soon. I spent five hours in the emergency department the next day, waiting on test after test, only to be dismissed to see my doctor. No problem with my lungs, no problem with my heart. And my symptoms disappeared. Thank You, God.

Two days later I awoke refreshed and spied the unopened box of pancake mix. Pancakes would be nice this morning. But I quickly dismissed the idea, not wanting to make a mess in the kitchen just for myself. No cooking had become my way of life. Why mess up the kitchen just for me? It’s not worth it. Instead, I resorted to heating up packaged meals. But why not today? What’s on your agenda? It’s spring break.

I tore open the box and whipped up a batch. And as I flipped the pancakes over onto my plate, I gasped. The perfect shape of a heart formed into my pancake! And in my head I heard His message, Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Cook for yourself. You’re worth it.

Even pancakes?

Even pancakes. It’s all about control—portion control.

Reminders of those disciplines we practiced in First Place 4 Health. Is my health worth an hour-long drive to join the area director’s group? Am I worth it?

Five days later I visited my doctor and shared with her my struggles to eat right and exercise. She suggested I make small changes. Try eating five fruits/vegetables per day. Try exercising for just 15 minutes a day. I knew she was right. And then she added, “What you need is accountability.”

Again I knew she was right. I told her about First Place 4 Health and how I once led a group. I confessed I could no longer lead a group, but needed to be in a group. I mentioned that I was considering the area director’s group that met an hour’s drive away. She confirmed that I was worth the trip.

I emailed Shawn, the area director, and asked when she would start her next 12-week session. She responded immediately, “Tomorrow at 7:15.”

“Great!” I wrote back, “See you then!”

Then I remembered one thing. I’ll need to order the Bible study book.

“Which Bible study book will you be using?” I asked.

“Confident Living.”

Confident Living. The incomplete Bible study book that I still had on hand.

“Now I’m confident that I’m coming.”

The moment I stepped into the meeting room and noticed the agendas and handouts at every place, I felt at home, for that’s just the way I did things. And before the end of the meeting I knew I would return.

The next week as I prepared to leave for my meeting, I received an email from the local college, stating my poem “Lay Aside Every Weight” had been accepted for publication in their Connections literary magazine. A poem I wrote two years earlier in the depths of despair over my excess weight, birthed out of a poetry class I was taking online through the college, was to be published now—now that I had finally made the decision to lay it aside.

That was three weeks ago, and I know I made the right decision. I found the right program—and crossed that off my prayer list. Accountability is what I needed. I crossed that off as well.

So far, I’ve lost 7 ½ pounds—and more. I’ve lost the shame. God has forgiven me, and so have I.

And I’ve gained confidence. I know that I am never alone—His Holy Spirit is with me always—there to strengthen and guide me on this journey back to wellness. 

As far as making the hour-long journey each way to the weekly meetings, I’m actually enjoying it. My favorite part is driving over the Benedict Bridge that spans the Patuxent River. While I don’t always enjoy driving over bridges, I am always in awe of them—engineering feats that overcome threatening obstacles to make a way for transport, to make connections to the other side. Every Thursday as I make my way to my meeting, I cross the bridge at the very moment when the setting sun casts a myriad of colors across the river, making the obstacle below not so formidable. And when I return under the cover of blackness, the obstacle is hidden from view and my eyes are drawn only to the dots of light outlining the shore. And somehow I think that’s just the way God wants it—for the bridge keeps me focused on things above. It serves as a symbol for Jesus, Who endured the cross to connect us to God. And it also reminds me of the Holy Spirit Who strengthens us to overcome obstacles and directs our focus toward the author and finisher of our faith—the Light of the World.

I’ve been “laying low” this past month—haven’t written a blogpost in a while. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what God wanted me to share. It wasn’t until I began connecting the dots (excuse the overused idiom) that it became clear to me. Connect with God daily. Connect Scripture with real life. Make connections with what you see and hear to discern God’s message for you. And connect with other people.

Last night I had the honor of sharing my poem “Lay Aside Every Weight” at the Connections publication reading. Afterwards, I met for the first time face-to-face my poetry instructor. She too had read her own poem featured in the magazine. As we connected, I thanked her for encouraging me in my writing and urging me to submit my poems for publication, in particularly the one that was selected. I told her how much I enjoyed her piece, and she in turn praised my presentation. Isn’t that what making connections is all about? Making a difference. And in that way, we shine our light.

What message is God conveying to you? Are you making the connection? How does He want you to make a difference?

He has a plan for each of us, a race that He has set before us. But we cannot run that race if we are weighed down. What must you lay aside in order to run the race and make a difference?

Dear God, thank You for helping me make the connections to decode Your message. It’s coming in loud and clear! I know You love me and want me to love myself—to take care of this temple in which Your Spirit dwells. Please give me the strength to lay aside the sin that so easily ensnares (Hebrews 12:1) and to not merely listen to Your Word, but do what it says (James 1:22). Only then may I truly be a light for You. Amen.